Am I just all my sins?
How do you escape the negative chatterbox in your head? How can you possibly be on the power side rather than constantly being in a place of pain?
These negative thoughts won’t leave my ass alone. And for the longest time I have been struggling to find the equilibrium where I’m able to recognise it but not be so much into it.
I hate having negative thoughts more than anything but do I really think this is human nature? Of course we’re just humans capable of making mistakes. Yes we are human’s capable of feeling emotions. We’re human and we’re flawed. We fuck up. I fucked up.
It seems like everywhere I go, I always hit a wall. A wall, so high maybe even with proper gears, I would not be able to surpass or get over with. And if I do even get a glance of what’s on the other side, I know it is NOT gonna be easy. It never is. The other side of that wall is everything I have dreamed of — the life that I envision me of having. Every time that I have this burning feeling inside of me that I can overcome, I can conquer, there is also the fear of nto being able to make it. The dreams I have, so close yet so far. An abyss of endless what ifs, when I do try new things. When I get out there and not know shit about the things that I do. The times my head are over the clouds, living in a bubble where it’s comfortable and known and all the things familiar.
But I do know we needed to grow. I know that all of us are changing and are constantly growing day by day and it is something we really can’t stop. Sometimes I feel incomplete. Other days I feel crusty and stagnant. Maybe I really am just all my sins. Or not. I don’t know. I’m not sure of the person I am or have become now. I am seriously confused. I do hope I find answers to these unending questions soon.
P.S.: I have written this during a period where I am having the worst panic attacks. Trying to criticise then console myself at the same time. I must say that I am at least in a better place now. In the meantime. It is a term that the universe allows me to be at peace, for now. I am now equipped at least with stuff. Yeah stuff haha. To deal with overwhelming emotions, unexpected feelings, spontaneous people etc. Okay laters!